Life

"Scare Away The Dark"

Well, sing, sing at the top of your voice,
Love without fear in your heart.
Feel, feel like you still have a choice
If we all light up we can scare away the dark

We wish our weekdays away
Spend our weekends in bed
Drink ourselves stupid
And work ourselves dead
And all just because that's what mom and dad said we should do

We should run through the forest
We should swim in the streams
We should laugh, we should cry,
We should love, we should dream
We should stare at the stars and not just the screens
You should hear what I'm saying and know what it means

To sing, sing at the top of your voice,
Love without fear in your heart.
Feel, feel like you still have a choice
If we all light up we can scare away the dark

Well, we wish we were happier, thinner and fitter,
We wish we weren't losers and liars and quitters
We want something more not just nasty and bitter
We want something real not just hash tags and Twitter

It's the meaning of life and it's streamed live on YouTube
But I bet Gangnam Style will still get more views
We're scared of drowning, flying and shooters
But we're all slowly dying in front of fucking computers

So sing, sing at the top of your voice,
Oh, love without fear in your heart.
Can you feel, feel like you still have a choice
If we all light up we can scare away the dark


LIFE:

     I usually just post a video but I had to include the lyrics to this one.  I needed to hear this today. I needed to come across it after work, I needed to see the video and hear the lyrics. I needed this song in my life.  I may wear it out and listen to it until my ears bleed but I needed this.  I  am and always have been very passionate about music, life and living to the fullest though I am guilty (very guilty) of not always taking my own passions seriously. 

    Routine. I've been trapped in it for a long time now and I can see how frustrated I have been when I look at the "timehop" app and see my past posts about being stuck.  I see how I posted that I needed to do something else and find something new. It's beyond frustrating to read them.  I find myself reading blogs and seeing people doing things that they love and I am so afraid to work towards my dreams or failing that I stay put. I don't risk anything and I stay with a steady income and a job that is not very challenging. 

     I also suffer from OCD and anxiety (if you know me, you know this to be very true) and I am (personal preference) not on meds.  I have my reasons.  I was on them once and had a very bad experience and really lost feelings for living.  I now have quit smoking and really started to fall into a depression.  I miss it, I miss the stress relief it gave me or so I thought it gave me.  I miss it like I may miss a friend in my life.  

    I need music to get me through these things.  This song helped a lot today. Thank goodness.  I felt pretty bummy after I stepped on the scale- I have gained weight since I quit smoking and to be honest, I really tried to keep all of it off for the wedding and it's a bit depressing. I watch what I eat and I exercise.  I worked hard to lose 30 lbs and I feel angry, sad and lost that it's coming back so quickly.  Damn it. 
     I wanted to d a photo series titled, "What makes us human" but I lost the motivation and my ideas are getting stale.  I wanted to convey these feelings that make us...well us.  I wanted to show people my interpretation of how our feelings make us who we are and I stopped. I stopped this project because I am at a bottom.  I need to get to the top of this mountain that I am looking up at. 

    I know these are a lot of rambles but I just want you to know that if you are feeling sad, depressed, anxious or stressed... you are not the only one.  Lost is a big one for me.  The feeling of being lost.  I am 32.  I thought life would be much different. I find myself comparing my life to others on facebook, flickr, instagram...and I get so mad that these peoples lives are better and that they are LIVING their lives... THEN - THEN I remind myself that we are only seeing those moments captured in time that they choose to share with everyone and that they may not be all sunshine and rainbows.  Life is hard and NO ONE has a perfect one.  If someone tells you they do, they are lying. 

   It SO SO SO hard with social media now a days and trying to find your true self and what YOU want out of life when you have so many other lives to be comparing yourself to.  I have been tempted to shut it all out but for some reason, can't.  I want to- deep down inside. I don't want approval from peoples "likes" on my status to feel better about myself but I have to admit- it feels good when someone hits "like".  Social media builds us a ton of standards that we never thought we would have to compare ourselves too.  It's amazing to me that we can make ourselves feel so sad over facebook or instagram - twitter.  I feel like we force ourselves to take photos and post them and have the perfect filter with the perfect sunset when we should be taking these photos for ourselves - not just for a post and not just for "likes".

Anywho- 

     I had a film camera recently handed down to me. 

  SO . FREAKING. EXCITED.


     I remember when I was younger that film was the only way you shot photos. You didn't have the options to delete pictures or take 5000 photos on your vacation.  You had rolls of film and you had about 24 on a roll- maybe less (I can't remember exactly how many).    

     I miss those days of film.  Even instant photos make my giddy.  I love Polaroids now and have two of the mini cameras.  I was given an original Polaroid but I have to clean it up and see if it still works since the battery that was in it from the person before, leaked. Sadness.  I miss just taking the photos and really thinking about framing the photo, the lighting, settings and how that moment was going to be captured.   Then you had to wait to see what it looked like after you finished the roll and waited for it to be developed. 
  
     I later took photography and advanced photography in high school.  I learned how to develop negatives, use enlargers, develop the photos and really work a camera.  I loved it so much that after I completed the advanced classes, I took the class a few more times in the following years until I graduated.  I knew that dark room like the back of my hand. I loved it. I loved making the photos come to life. I know some of this sounds like a lot of work compared to the digital world now but there was something about film.  Something about growing up then that was just magical.  The TV shows, the music- it was different. Getting this film camera took me back.   I cleaned the camera up and ordered some batteries for it.  I hope it works. I have some 35mm film ready to try out and I can't wait to drop it off at the store to develop my photos.  I want to step away from sharing and backing up and all that junk.  I want my photos developed and in an album so I can open up the pages and smile just like when I was younger.  I don't want to have to plug in a hard-drive and search for my captured moment of vacation.  Does anyone else feel this way? 

   Well- here's to the little things in life- 

From a song I needed to hear to a film camera that was given to me by a family friend.  These little things can sometimes make the big bad bullies of the day not seem so awful after all.  

Sorry for the randomness. Wasn't suppose to be this random. Actually. I'm not sorry. I wrote this all because I wanted to. :) Thanks for reading though and hope you enjoyed the song at the very least.  

P.s. 

I got purple in my hair. 

New Paint = HAPPINESS!

     So, this summer has been so busy to say the least.  We did get a chance to go away for a week to the lake and had a pretty nice time away from the routines.  We shot a few photos but not like I usually do. I actually relaxed! It was much needed.  When we got back we started planning on painting the living room since the color was bringing us down.  When we moved in we wanted a bold color and we chose a pretty dark one.  We tried to love it...we even tried to like it.  It wasn't happening so we planned on changing it as soon as we could.  We also decided to start some of the major wedding planning which has me feeling like I am doing a lot by myself... I feel pretty alone on it and I know when it gets closer (it's just about a year away) people are going to be putting pressure on me and that's when I don't function well.  So I am trying to get a lot done by myself.   

     

     And now for the BIG news.  I was a smoker for 12 years. Notice I typed "was".   WE QUIT! We quit together. It has been the HARDEST most CHALLENGING thing I have ever done.  I was just sick of being bullied. DONE.  Quitting together is helping.  We are each others support team and it's made it easier. We quit 17 Days ago and have NOT smoked at least 255 cigarettes! I downloaded an app on my phone that tells me all sorts of things including hours of life I gained back and how much money I am saving! I could go to ICELAND every year on the money I spent on smokes.  So here is to a new chapter of bad habits and standing up to bullies! 

I only edited a few from Conneaut. I'm behind on a lot of things but here are two of my favs. 

   This was the frames I finished as a little project with water colors and a quote I LOVE, "The wolf that wins, is the wolf you feed."

     So to keep up with battling the cravings I have decided to take spin classes one or two times a week.  IT IS AMAZING! I adore the classes and am thinking of buying a package deal so I can save some money (It's still less than smoking).  So Saturday night I booked the class for Sunday morning with Brian's sister and started prepping to paint our living room.  We tapped off all the walls and moved furniture.  We figured it would only take the day Sunday and we could rest on Monday since we were both off for labor day.  I woke up extra early to make it to spin with Stef on Sunday morning and the doggies wanted to stay in bed.  I went to class and biked 9 miles.  That's not all you do though.  You do arm exercises while on the bike and core exercises.  You speed up, slow down, tighten the petals to make it harder like you are going up hill and sprint on the bikes.  It's one hell of a workout but makes me feel so good about myself after.  First time, I thought I was going to puke my lungs out.  I'm getting better at it though.  They turn down the lights and play loud, fun, motivational music and the instructor even encourages me during the class to NOT smoke and asks me every time I go how I am doing!  I usually wouldn't talk about smoking.  It wasn't something I was proud of but I am proud of quitting!  I find myself missing it out of habit, it's strange how much I let it take over my life!

     These are some before photos of the TERRIBLE paint we chose.  The first photo is when we first moved in and didn't have a couch yet but that's all I could find since I didn't take a lot of photos in that room (poor lighting).
The others are right before we put the paint on. I wish I remembered to take a few before we moved everything.

 OUR FIRST COAT! It was so dark before we knew we would have to do at least two layers of paint.

 Doggies were NOT happy.  THEY DID NOT want to stay in different rooms than us.  To be honest, if we didnt' leave them in the bedroom, we would have paint in places we didn't need it.

 After a while, Bear did make himself comfortable.

 AFTER! I'M IN LOVE!

 SO MUCH BRIGHTER! HAPPIER!

 There are still some things I'm going to change and have to update. We do need another coat on some spots.  We really didn't want to do a third.  We do have touch ups to do and I officially hate painting.  We got in on baseboards, floor.... my armpits.... anyways. I need to get some off white for the ceiling to covers mistakes from that first awful color we had and I would like new curtains and a new rug.  I also want to sand our end tables and paint them.  ONE THING AT A TIME.  Now that I'm not smoking, I have more time to do things :).

 By the way... I didn't mention this went all through MONDAY! We thought we would be done Saturday.  Well. WE WERE WRONG.  Our living room walls go all the way down the hallway and the door frames needed painted.... that took for freaking ever. We are pooped.  It's done though! So we are glad of that.
SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS:

 Happy Tuesday everyone! Thanks for reading my post on wall painting. ;)