It's amazing HOW much I understand this poem:
Basically you obsess so much in your mind you have to do things (compulsions) to relieve the thoughts. I have suffered from OCD for many MANY years of my life. I have had my ups and my downs. I have my "faults" like everyone else and when my life is out of control with things that are out of my hands, my brain tries to control the things that I can. This includes washing my hands until they bleed, checking to make sure things are turned off, taking off my coat five times to hang it up because I didn't like how I took it off first. I hate chemicals or lighting candles because some kind of catastrophe will happen if I forget to blow it out or if I get it on my skin. I think of the worst outcome and think of disasters if I don't do things perfectly. I repeat things over and over until my brain tells me that it's okay to move on. It's a horrible disease. Sometimes, I think I am crazy.
I recently purchased a notebook to write the things down in my head that I am always afraid I will forget. Kind of a to-do list- People do that- Lots of people, RIGHT!? Well- this notebook is becoming a procedure manual for my life and more of an anxiety, stress giver to me. I try so many things and I am willing to keep trying without medication.
I took medication a few times in my life and I am not the kind of person to mask who I really am (this is just my opinion, I support people who decide to use medication). I do not like medication for me. I am a zombie. It made me the most depressed I have ever been and I didn't feel anything for life at that time. I have tried several, different doses and brands. I'm done with it- the occasional xanax is best for me- TAKE WHEN NEEDED and I take it when I feel like the panic attacks are just about to rip out my heart and I'm going to scream and cry until I drown myself in my own tears. The xanax gives me a few hours of silence in my head instead of the thoughts- "I NEED TO WASH MY HANDS, I NEED TO WASH MY HANDS, I NEED TO WASH MY HANDS."
Yes, I also did counseling- lets not go there....
This is an ongoing battle for me. I work in an ENT office and deal with ear wax daily, germs, sick people. I have a love hate relationship with my job. I love helping people, but the germs. THE GERMS. (I can't wait to get out of the medical field) I wear gloves to do everything at work- I have my own supply. I don't like touching hearing aids without gloves though lots of my co-workers do and I AM THE MAIN person in the department that has to work with the hearing aids. I AM THE AUDIOLOGY TECHNICIAN! THAT IS THE MAIN PART OF MY JOB! I sometimes get worried that there is earwax on my shoes or pants or... yea I know, it sounds sick. Well, welcome to OCD!
Some days I deal better than others. It's hard to describe how and what I feel when I am going through all of this but I don't expect people to truly understand.
I'm a true germ-a-phoebe and need the feeling of being clean. Certain things bother me and I can not tell others why- It just DOES.
One of the other main things I deal with is organization. If things are in the right place or if someone moves something or if I can't clean out a closet or it seems out of order to me, I HAVE TO ORGANIZE IT- I have a list of things to organize. Perfectionism partly?
The hardest part is that when you have OCD, you know how STUPID it all is. How much you SHOULD NOT worry and do these routines, compulsions and obsessions. You realize that it takes up a ridiculous amount of time but then if I do not do them, I get anxiety, panic attacks, PURE PANIC ATTACKS. - Panic attacks make you feel like you are dying, unable to breathe, heart pounding, dizzy, my hands shake. I avoid the panic attacks by doing the routines and compulsions. I do this to avoid the anxiety but end up giving myself anxiety with the compulsions that I know I shouldn't worry about. It's a sick circle. I can't JUST STOP.
I am just glad for the people in my life who stick by me accept who I am and these goofy things. The people that don't accept it, can go &#%$ themselves. I don't expect understanding of me or my "flaws" but I do expect to be treated normal and accepted for the things I do.
I am trying new things everyday but it is an everyday battle. Life. It's hard. No one said it would be easy.....
This video hit home and I may have just rambled (I just realized how hard it is to explain OCD) and made myself sound like a psycho but who cares. ;) it's me, it's who I am! :
Link: READ HERE
- The photo below shoes how you can only control a small portion of things in your life and the rest is out of your hands- This photo represents my OCD perfectly! I'm very happy with out it turned out!
<3 Thanks for reading
Shannon
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